TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, the town historically known for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely out of position. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let us have Yet another position in which American Adult males can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide Everybody a collection over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to files published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he ought to quit making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the job, replied, "You already know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a element remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It really is not merely ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Features


Probably the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Approach: "If You Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Permanently."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the nearest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting consideration from Worldwide buyers, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may even consist of:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to determine a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where by my PTSD might have transform-down support."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials fear the tower Trump Tower Damascus could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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